June 30, 2013
Lindsay: What happened to you?
Tobias: What? Oh, oh, oh, my ears. The doctor said I can’t go to sleep for five hours, or I might die or something.
[Shouting] OH! I GOT BLOWN, SO I CAN’T SLEEP!
We thought this idea by hellyeahllison was the perfect way to remind you all that we’re not dead!

Lindsay: What happened to you?

Tobias: What? Oh, oh, oh, my ears. The doctor said I can’t go to sleep for five hours, or I might die or something.

[Shouting] OH! I GOT BLOWN, SO I CAN’T SLEEP!

We thought this idea by hellyeahllison was the perfect way to remind you all that we’re not dead!

March 5, 2013
[Lindsay tries to cry.]
Michael: Seriously, you’re going to pull a muscle.
Lindsay: I used to be able to do this.

[Lindsay tries to cry.]

Michael: Seriously, you’re going to pull a muscle.

Lindsay: I used to be able to do this.

February 5, 2013
Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting, and I’m white. I think I’m going to be okay.

Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting, and I’m white. I think I’m going to be okay.

January 31, 2013
Michael: Call me what you want…
Lindsay: An impotent man-boy.

Michael: Call me what you want…

Lindsay: An impotent man-boy.

January 21, 2013
Michael: Did I just wake you up? I didn’t even know you were home.
Lindsay: No, Michael, I don’t just sleep all day.
Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.

Michael: Did I just wake you up? I didn’t even know you were home.

Lindsay: No, Michael, I don’t just sleep all day.

Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.

January 7, 2013
Phillip Litt: Okay, everybody, gather around, gather around. Ladies, here’s the deal. We have hats. You have breasts. You show your breasts, you get a hat, okay? So, if anybody wants to get back at daddy, now’s the time.
Wait - Cut, cut, cut. We’ve got a surfboard in the shot.
Girls with Low Self-Esteem Crew Member: Surfboard; stop tape.

Phillip Litt: Okay, everybody, gather around, gather around. Ladies, here’s the deal. We have hats. You have breasts. You show your breasts, you get a hat, okay? So, if anybody wants to get back at daddy, now’s the time.

Wait - Cut, cut, cut. We’ve got a surfboard in the shot.

Girls with Low Self-Esteem Crew Member: Surfboard; stop tape.

January 3, 2013

Narrator: Lindsay, meanwhile, was having trouble…

Lindsay: …great body.

Narrator: finding her homeless man.

Lindsay: He looked like a movie star.

Narrator: In fact, the man looked like a movie star because he was a movie star.

His name was Tom Jane, and he was making two movies for a major studio. One was a gritty personal project about a junkie’s life, which he only got to do in exchange for making a rigidly formulaic popcorn movie. He was living on the streets researching his role.

January 2, 2013

Lindsay: In any event, your punishment is over. Come on, Maeby. Let’s go.

Lucille: She’s not going anywhere. We’re having fun. Here, Maeby, try this on.

Lindsay: I see. Fine. I was going to take her out for ice cream, but if you’d rather stay here, well, that’s just fine with me.

Maeby: Well, we can go get some ice cream, Gangee. That would be fun, right?

Lucille: I don’t think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.