Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting, and I’m white. I think I’m going to be okay.
Gob: You know what? The trick is on you, Tony Wonder. I’m the magician. He’s the assistant. We don’t need him. The real Sword of Destiny trick hasn’t even been performed yet. Ta-da!
George Sr: Lucille. Hi. This is not what it looks like.
Lucille: It looks like you’re tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence.
George Sr: Yep. Yeah, that’s it.
Lucille: Is this why you wanted to fight this thing, so you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?
Narrator: Gob and Tobias, meanwhile, were brainstorming at a local coffee shop.
Gob: I need a cup of coffee to focus.
Tobias: It’s so crowded in here. I can’t think. Okay, what is it that people need?
Michael: Did I just wake you up? I didn’t even know you were home.
Lindsay: No, Michael, I don’t just sleep all day.
Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.
Gob: It’s okay. She’s alive. …And soft. Soft and alive.
Lucille: All right, let’s not add that to the charges.
Michael: Okay, we’ve all made some sacrifices to be here, but we all want the same thing.
Oscar: I want to live here.
George Michael: I want to buy Ann some diamond dust.
Buster: I’m just hoping to get mildly injured so I can get out of the Army.
Michael: Bottom line is, we’ve got two weeks to build a house. Doesn’t have to be good; just has to look good.
Tom Jane: I just want my kids back.